Day Three

.... coffee withdrawal! Craving it like crazy!!!! I am soooo tempted to brew a pot... just for the smell.......

Day Two

I am having major coffee withdrawal today. I have not been able to shake this groggy feeling all day and the muscles in my neck and shoulders are so painful. No headache yet.

The most frequent symptom associated with caffeine withdrawal is moderate to severe headache. This can occur between 12 and 24 hours after last intake of caffeine. It usually lasts for one to two days, though some may have a headache for longer.

Others experiencing caffeine withdrawal may feel depressed and some feel sleepy. Some people may experience significant mood instability, which may be helped by prescribed medications. People may also have difficulty concentrating. Some undergoing caffeine withdrawal can have flu-like symptoms that include nausea or vomiting, and muscle pain or stiffness.
Generally the symptoms of caffeine withdrawal continue from two to nine days after one’s last intake of caffeine.
Most people will not feel the effects of caffeine withdrawal three to four days after stopping caffeine.

Breakfast

Steel Cut Oatmeal

2tbs. ground flax seed

1 capsule of omega 3 fish oil (mackerel, sardine, anchovy)

H2O

clementine orange

and

NO COFFEE

New studies show a link between coffee and high cholesterol. A compound in coffee called cafestol elevates cholesterol by capturing receptors in the intestinal pathway that helps regulation.

I was very surprised to read that there is a connection between coffee and higher levels of cholesterol. The study went on to say that unfiltered and boiled coffee showed the largest increase (20%). Those who drank the filtered coffee, did not see the levels go as high but when they quit drinking coffee, their cholesterol dropped.

I am so frustrated!!!! Doc Webster just phoned me with the results of my re-take cholesterol test. I have been so careful and worked so hard about not taking in any more than 15mg of saturated fats per day (0 trans fats) for the last two months. I was absolutely sure the levels would have been down.

Dr. Webster says there was no significant change. He also said that the levels are at the point where they need to be treated. I really do not want to go on Lipitor (or like drug). I asked if I could have until after Christmas to get the levels down. He agreed.

Any ideas out there?

I will take the saturated fats down to 10mg and continue to be hyper-vigilant.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Pondering

Do I say I HAD cancer? When do I NOT have cancer?

Sometimes I use the term "survivor", sometimes I don't know what to call myself!

Personally, I don't like saying the "remission" thing. It is like keeping this little niggling doubt that the cancer may return. So I prefer to say, "I had cancer, it is gone. Period."

I am now "cancer free" and although I do not know that for sure, all the visible signs show "no evidence of disease". For me, it means that right now all my tests are clear. I will keep all my check ups, be vigilant and love my life and those in it. This may not be quite how my doctor describes it, but I like positive thinking.

More about brains

TRANSPLANT

John's family gathered to hear what the specialists had to say. "Things don't look good. The only chance is a brain transplant.

This is an experimental procedure. It might work, but the bad news is that brains are very expensive, and you will have to pay the cost yourselves."

"Well, how much does a brain cost?" asked the relatives.

"For a male brain, $1,500,000. For a female brain, $200,000."

Some of the younger male relatives tried to looked shocked, but all the men nodded because they thought they understood. A few actually smirked. But the patient's daughter was unsatisfied and asked, "Why the difference in price between male and female brains?"

"A standard pricing practice." said the head of the medical team. "Women's brains have to be marked down because they have been used."

(not sure I have any fellows out there that read this blog, but if I do, sorry, this story tickled my funny bone)

Surprises

I am completely astonished that my hair is coming back curly!

All my life I have back-combed, rolled, permed and struggled to give my poker straight a bit of body. For the most part my locks have laid flat to my head.
I have a new colour, new texture and wow! curls.
A whole new me.

If I only had a brain..... I need the Wizard!!!

On Friday I am having a CT-scan of my brain. I have been struggling with what is described at chemo brain, mild cognitive impairment. It was previously thought that chemotherapy drugs didn't enter your brain, but were kept out by the blood-brain barrier, which separates chemicals that should be in your brain from those that shouldn't. Researchers now suspect some chemotherapy drugs may be able to slip past the blood-brain barrier. This could potentially affect your brain and your memory.

The scan was ordered just to make sure there is nothing else going on.

Signs and symptoms of chemo brain include:

■Being unusually disorganized
■Confusion
■Difficulty concentrating
■Difficulty finding the right word
■Difficulty learning new skills
■Difficulty multitasking
■Fatigue
■Feeling of mental fogginess
■Short attention span
■Short-term memory problems
■Taking longer than usual to complete routine tasks
■Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation
■Trouble with visual memory, such as recalling an image or list of words

Signs and symptoms of cognitive or memory problems vary from person to person and are typically temporary, often subsiding within two years of completion of cancer treatment.

Never say Never

While I was at the C-clinic yesterday they gave me the H1N1 vaccine. My arm is very sore today. Those who have had the shot tell me this was true for them too.

I was not going to get the shot. I have only had a flu shot once in my life (big push at the hospital I was working at) that ended with me getting the worst case of the flu I had e-v-e-r had about 10 days later. I vowed I would never do this again.

Old Doc Webster talked me into getting the shot. He said that this is a nasty flu that has serious consequences for some.

http://www.phac-aspc.gc.ca/alert-alerte/h1n1/faq_rg_h1n1-eng.php#faq1

Bad Hair Day

I am so excited!!! It finally happened! I had a bad hair day.

I woke up and there is was, a tuft of hair at the back of my head standing straight up. It required a little water and several pats to tame. I am so blessed that my hair is coming back in, thick, soft, renewed.

more about bad hair days

•If you woke up in the morning with more health than illness, you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.
•If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture or the pangs of starvation, you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.
•If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep, you are richer than 75 percent of this world.
•If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace, you are among the top 8 of the world’s wealthy.
•If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful, you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.
•If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you and, furthermore, you are more blessed than over 2 billion people in the world who cannot read at all.
So, when you feel very down, just remember how blessed you are.

The gig is up......

I had an appointment a couple weeks ago with my GP. He did all the usual office questions and checks and sent me away with a lab requisition for blood test and mammogram. He asked me to make another appointment in a few weeks to discuss the report. I asked Old Doc Webster if we could leave it as "no news is good news"? He agreed. Last week the nurse called and said he wanted to see me, not an urgent matter. I was pretty sure it was going to be about my cholesterol. Last year, my blood work showed elevated levels of cholesterol and I was given a sheet of information with diet suggestions. The sheet got tossed on the floor of the van and after a few weeks of being pushed around and stepped on I scraped it off the floor and tossed it out. The levels were borderline and everyone knows how I love to diet! Now the levels are high. Not off the chart high but getting there. Time to get serious about this........ grr-r-r-r-r-r

(all the other tests were good)

Cholesterol is a waxy, fatlike substance that your body needs to function normally. Cholesterol is naturally present in cell walls or membranes everywhere in the body, including the brain, nerves, muscles, skin, liver, intestines, and heart.

Your body uses cholesterol to produce many hormones, vitamin D, and the bile acids that help to digest fat. It takes only a small amount of cholesterol in the blood to meet these needs. If you have too much cholesterol in your bloodstream, the excess may be deposited in arteries, including the coronary (heart) arteries, where it contributes to the narrowing and blockages that cause the signs and symptoms of heart disease.

◦High cholesterol is more common in women older than 55 years.
◦The risk for high cholesterol increases with age.

Loss of appetite occurs commonly among cancer patients.

NOT!!!

I was quite prepared for the loss of appetite that is so common with cancer treatments. I borrowed a juicer, purchased "comfort foods" easy to digest and found recipes for smoothies.

I anticipated loss of weight and the struggles to keep nourished. That never occurred.

My appetite never waivered and the iron rich comfort foods put the pounds on me. I actually gained weight!!!

I chalk it up to the "Sorrell Fondness for Food".

I would like to toss off a few pounds before Christmas.

3 Months of R-e-b-o-u-n-d-i-n-g
I took this photo in July about a month after my chemo ended, I thought I looked so much better. The chemo Me was such a sight I did not post any photos during that time...

photo taken July 20th
photo taken October 20th
I feel so good!

Today I am going to Aquafit with my neighbour Carol. Carol says the fitness class relieves her body stress, reduces muscle soreness and has help her flexibility. Carol has fibromyalgia. I like that there is no stress on the joints.

The class is 45 minutes long and the gals all hit the hot tub for 15 minutes after the class. I already know this will be my favourite part. :-)

More later

Later .....

I had a very good workout today. For the full 45 minutes of Aquafit we were moving. I had no idea that you could get such a training in the pool. Keeping my core straight and centred was a difficult task for me today... most of the exercises are done with your body set. (no twisting and turning). Although the water massages as you push and pull through it, there is also the resistance. The instructor is amazing! (Kelly), she showed us the muscle groups the different activities were assigned to.

I am feeling full-body tired.

I am going to continue to go twice a week. I want to regain my stamina and strength.

Step Two

I chipped off the henna paste and cleaned the brows with olive oil. I am not suppose to wash the skin until tomorrow with soap and water. I really like them!! The are a reddish brown shade which blends nice with my skin colour. I might colour them with my dark brown pencil if I wanted to be fussy.

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. ~Author Unknown

Step One

..... more brow babble.....

I found a fabulous spa today that specializes in henna tattoos.

"Studio 12" http://www.studio-12.com/

Mehndi/Henna is a temporary tattoo design made by using herbal products (paste of ground Mehndi Leaves) on your body parts.

Seema, artist/technician spent a lot of time drawing on different brows and placing them in different spots.

I finally chose the brows you see here.

The brows in this photo are gobbed with henna paste. I have to keep the paste moist with sugar water for at least the next six hours. Before bed I will remove all the henna.

More AFTER photos coming.

This is sooooo exciting.

So much to be thankful this year, yes, this year while I was dealing with cancer. This blog has been my outlet. These have been my experiences and I wanted to share them with you. I am not complaining. It is part of life. I realize I am so very, very blessed. Because of the location of the tumor, it is only by the grace of God that it was found and I am so thankful to Him. I am thankful for my doctor that sent me for further testing. I am thankful for my surgeon. I am thankful for a hospital with caring nurses and staff that cared for me.
I am thankful for and I pray for those many women with uterine cancer that have been such a great support to me.
I am thankful for my precious husband that has been with me every step of the way holding my hand through it all. I am thankful for my children who have been there with their love, protection and comfort. I am thankful for my sisters and brother who made my days bright with their calls and family humour. I am not bitter, mad, upset or have any other negative feelings. I have too much to be thankful for. I will take one day at a time. I will continue to accept and be grateful for all prayers sent on my behalf.

Happy Thanksgiving

Mona Lisa has no visible facial hair—including eyebrows and eyelashes. Some researchers claim that it was common at this time for genteel women to pluck them out, since they were considered to be unsightly.

Dear old Mona and I have something in common, no eyebrows! The few hairs that have grown are curly and wiry. I look like one of those old men in cartoons.

From what I have read many women who had taxil did not get the eyebrows back or they came in sparse.

If I had any talent at drawing them on this would not be a problem because I rather like the look of a well drawn brow. The product I have (from ShadowBox) is nice and easy to use.

However, I normally have one brow going north the other south.

My niece Sarah gave me a great suggestion today. Her friend had her brows done with henna. She says the application lasted a long time and you can have them applied lightly and use this as a template to apply your eyebrow pencil.

I am going to find a salon where I can get this procedure done... keep you posted.

I took this photo in Algonquin Provincial Park

Proof that God exists

This time of transition from active treatment to post-treatment has been a bit confusing and difficult. For nearly a year my comings and goings have revolved around "the treatment plan".

The whole process is finished and I am without a program. I read this from a woman who had finished her treatments, "it isn't over when it is over".

I do not want to get stuck in transition.... I want to move forward in wellness.

Celebrating Grey
In our family we celebrate!
Oh, we do the conventional, birthdays, Easter, Christmas and all the other calendar(ed) events but then we go way beyond that. Yup, this family parties it up.
We have celebrated new teeth, lost teeth, teddy bears birthday, people coming, people going, rainy days, pajama days, "way to go"days, and that's OK days, brother day and pet day. We even celebrated the colour purple, Purple Day.
So where is all this leading? Well, I made the bold statement early during my hair loss that I was going to go "au naturale" when the new hair came back. It is back! and it is grey!
I had a thought yesterday that maybe I was not ready for grey. It would not take much to pass a little dye through it now. This morning armed with new resolve I went out to celebrate grey.
I bought myself a hair product (that is exciting in itself) for grey hair. I also purchased a grey sweater to go with my new grey hair.

"The glory of young men is their strength, And the splendor of old men is their gray head." Proverbs 20:29

ParticipACTION is a Canadian government program, launched in the 1970s, to promote healthy living and physical fitness.

Recovery or Motivation?

I need a little "just do it" in my day.
I am very fortunate that I do not have many of the problems with my health that some (up to 75%) have after treatment. Many suffer from ongoing pain. Depression is often experienced at some stage of the illness. I am so blessed. I do have some fatigue, but I am wondering if this could be helped if I just got going?

It has come to a time when I might need to push myself a bit. Get out and do everyday things again like shopping, seeing friends, returning to my interest. To begin with, it may feel very scary. Staying at home would be much easier. But in the long term, getting out and about will help me find my "new normal".

Yesterday, I described the overwhelming feeling I was experiencing as “coming out of my cave”. After my surgery, we made comfort changes to my bedroom. Cable TV, new laptop, lazyboy chair, bed tray, memory foam mattress were items added to enhance comfort. I spent most of my day there, sometimes calling it the “command post”. This was a great way to manage my physical limitations but there were days this was a good place to “hide out”. In "The Shack" a novel by William Young, “The Shack” is a metaphor for the place you get stuck, hurt or where hurt is centered. I wonder if I am feeling the need to leave “my shack”? I have isolated myself from people, places and things, feeling I could not cope. I needed a shelter. I needed a place to be alone with God. The Prophet Elijah found a cave, Old Moses climbed a mountain to be at a place so that they could hear the voice of God.

For me, I spent hours with the Lord in the Lazyboy.

Then, finally, there came
a gentle whisper, the Lord's "still, small voice," and He said: "Go back the way you came...
and serve Me again."

And Elijah did.

(1 Kings 19)

My hair is not long enough yet to say for sure, but I think it is coming in curly/wavy.

It is definitely not poker straight.

This would absolutely rock!!!

Done!

256 days ago

I was diagnosed with uterine cancer.

Tomorrow I am finished

my treatment plan.

surgery

chemotherapy

radiation

I'm done!

(I don't know what else to say, it feels surreal to me right now)

I am finished my radiation on Tuesday.

I may find that I am still coping with the effects of treatment on my body for several months. It can take time to get over these effects. I am wondering how I will feel during this time and what are signs that cancer is coming back. These are some of the problems that can occur when treatment is over. Some of the most common problems that people report are:

Fatigue
Memory and concentration changes
Pain
Nervous system changes (neuropathy)
Lymphedema, or swelling
Mouth or teeth problems
Changes in weight and eating habits
Trouble swallowing
Bladder or bowel control problems

There are some questions and thoughts swirling around in my head also:

Who am I now that I've had cancer?
Will I get it again?
Can I survive another bout with cancer?
What is the best way to spend my time?
Am I contributing to society?
Will I ever feel secure in my future?

I read this:

Contemporary society values those who can assimilate quickly and who can bounce back from tragedy without skipping a beat. The message survivors receive from all sides is, You're so lucky to be alive. Now get on with your life.

That's a great theory, we will see how I do.

Sometimes a song says it all..... blahhhhhh

Conundrum?

In a very few days my treatments will be finished, so will the events of this journal. The journal for me, has been a tool for therapy, and a place where I could stay connected during this time of confinement. My thought was to shut it down next week.

I am not sure I want to let it go.

I have enjoyed this place of personal thoughts, daily experiences, and insights. The activity often connected me with others who shared their thoughts and feelings.

I am not sure I want to let this go.

I had my 3 month check up today.

The doctor was very encouraging and positive about my progress.

I felt great when I left his office.

7 more radiation treatments

I wouldn't be feeling too bad if I could only control my diet!!!

Blackened Salmon was not a good choice for supper.
Gr-r-r-r-r-r-r

Only 9 treatments to go

For the first time this year I have been able to imagine life without the C-word.

I was e-chatting with my special support friend Jackie and was telling her I find myself daydreaming about life after treatments. This is the first time since the beginning of the year I have been able to think pass treatments, it feels sooooooo good. I am going to do some travelling... not exotic places... just to visit friends and family....... I have been so restricted and feel like I have missed a lot.

So look out!! Coming soon to your home.

Seriously!!!!
I can't seem to eat anything without cramps, bloating and diarrhea.
I'm so frustrated!!!!

For the last few days I have had a "metallic" taste. I asked the nurse about it and she said it is a common side effect. When radiation is administered directly to or near the head and neck, chest, abdomen, or anal-rectal regions, it may cause damage to the mucosal lining of the entire gastrointestinal tract.

The nurse thought it might help to eat foods that are cold. Even though I feel hungry it is tough to eat with the yucky taste in my mouth. Oh well, I have a good reserve so it is not like I am going to waste away.

I know I am not a rocket scientist, but I think most of you would agree I am at least of average intelligence. Then why, why, why, would I eat a great big juicy Costco hotdog with mustard, onions and sauerkraut?!

My stomach was so crampy and upset last night. I spent most of the night "you know where".

I had lots of time to ponder the "Great Debate".

I have to get this radiation diet (bland, bland, bland) under control, these punishing episodes are terrible.

Rant!

One of my pet-peeves is paying for parking. Anyone who has ever asked me to pick them up at the airport knows they better lug their luggage to the curve where I will swing by and grab them, therefore avoiding, what I call, the "airport parking exhortion."

I have been twisted about the parking charge at the hospital each day.

The garage/lots take cash only, my first frustration, who carries cash?!

The fee is $3.50 per half hour. Last week I was 4 minutes into the next half and paid $7.00.

Yup.... $7.00 for 34 minutes of parking. My treatment only takes a few minutes, and I really try to hightail it in and out, taking no time for salutations or meandering.

I get that I have to eat a bland diet, but for some reason I have not been able to adjust.

I guess I am just stubborn!

So, when I whine and complain about my tummy being upset, ignore me, it is self-inflicted.

My new best friend.... Imodium

I have been instructed to eat a very restricted diet while I am having this pelvic radiation.

White rice, white bread, mashed potatoes, bananas.... exciting eh?

No fresh fruits and veggies ... they need to be cooked and no veggies that are high in fibre. No coffee!!! No chocolate!!! I can have clear broth or sport drinks. Nothing greasy, fried, spicy or sugary. I have to avoid nuts, seeds and beans. Limit milk or switch to soy beverages.

I should not have been surprised tonight when we had to make an emergency stop on the way home from camp.

Today's diet: 2 cups coffee

prunes and toast

bbq'd hamburgers with lots of spices and bbq sauce

topped with raw onion and tomato

hot mustard and relish

muchies: raw carrots, yellow peppers, cheese.

I am going to be more careful.

The treatments went great yesterday and again today.

I am not having a lot of symptoms yet, I find I am a bit food sensitive. I am going to cut back on some of the things I was told not to eat and use a little common sense. (bacon and corn-on-the-cob are not good food choices!)

Have a terrific weekend.

2 down . . . 23 to go

The radiation treatments have started but it has not been without some glitches. The first appointment went long (an hour) as they fiddled around for with my positioning. They ended up having to take 3 xrays to help and staying absolutely still with my head in a very hard, uncomfortable block just about drove me crazy. Day two... the machine broke down! So I sat for an hour waiting before they sent me home. I never got back to the clinic. Today, one hour wait to be told it was down again!!!!
The clinic called and I did get in later for my second treatment. The staff in this department are not friendly. This experience has not been like the chemotherapy. The staff (reception and nurses) in the chemotherapy clinic were amazing and as much as I did not like the drugs I did look forward to seeing the staff. I hope this is just a rough start and things will get easier.

Radiation Therapy tomorrow @ 9:00am

What Happens During Radiation
On the days you get radiation, you’ll lie on a table while the machine is placed over you. You may have to wear a hospital gown. The experience is a lot like getting an X-ray, only it lasts longer. The whole process lasts about 15 to 30 minutes, with about 1 to 5 minutes spent actually getting the radiation. A radiation therapist may use special shields to cover parts of your body that don’t need to get the radiation. Or the machine itself may have built-in shields to protect you. The therapist will line up the machine exactly with the areas that were marked during the simulation.

The therapist will leave the room to turn on the machine. You will be able to talk to the therapist over an intercom. You can’t feel radiation. It is painless. You may hear whirring or clicking noises.

You will get radiation treatments every day for 5 days in a row for about to 6 weeks.

You will not be radioactive afterward, so don’t worry about that.

I want hair!

My hair is starting to come in, scant on top, thicker on the sides and back. No fabulous colour, no beautiful curls and waves, just short black and white stubble. (sticking straight up!)

I have just about reached the 2 month post chemo mark and I guess I pictured a short and sassy little hair-do up there by now.

What a fabulous morning at camp. It couldn't be anymore beautiful.

I have absolutely nothing on my "to do" list, leaving me the whole day to spend with my Lord.

I have so much to thank Him for. Thanks God for being with me.

This is a photo taken down at the beach.

Come near to God and He will come near to you. - James 4:8

Answers
I seen Dr. S this morning. I was prepared with my list of questions.
He walked in and initiated the conversation by saying, "I think you might have got the wrong idea the last time we spoke." I said, "Doctor, I have a list of questions I want to ask you first." He was terrific. He patiently listened to my questions and concerns.
He explained why they are using the conventional radiation machine instead of the more modern IMRT (intensity-modulated radiation therapy). We talked about my most recent bout of Klebsiella bacteria (not resolved yet) and if it would impact my radiation therapy. I had concerns about finishing radiation just about the time the H1N1 influenza is suppose to hit the Ottawa Valley. (September) We talked about the possibility of the getting the influenza vaccine.
It came down to this. At this time, there is no visible cancer. I am not exhibiting any symptoms of organ disease and I have tolerated the first two steps of the propose treatment plan. The radiation will scope my abdomen for microscopic cancer. This is cancer that is impossible to see or detect. He added to this, that he is so sure that my symptoms will be minimum based on how I have tolerated the chemotherapy. He told me that about 1/2 of the people who receive treatment for cancer get radiation at some point. The statistics show that adverse reactions are rare.
So, here I go, off to radiation. I know I have waffled on this last piece of therapy. I guess if there is even one tiny, tiny, tiny, bit of disease this could impact on me down the road.

update: radiation starts Monday, August 17th @ 9:00am

I see the radiation oncologist tomorrow morning. I really need to have some questions answered. During the last two appointments the doctor has answered my questions with big sweeping answers that have shut down my questions. Comments like, "we've been doing this for 20 years, it works" and "you have changed and things will not be the same again"

Good Grief!!!

Changed? How have I changed?

Hopefully tomorrow I will get my questions answered... I have wrote them down. I will plod through them, even if his answers try to shut them down.

Wish me luck. I need to have them answered so that I can go forward with this leg of my treatment plan with confidence and purpose.

Does that make sense to you? or am I being overly judicious?

Peach Fuzz

My hair is starting to come back. The new hair looks like it is going to be very white!

I really had no idea how white it may have become because I coloured it.

I have decided not to colour anymore... so what comes, comes.

Update on Radiation

I did not start my radiation treatments this week. I was diagnosed with a bacterial infection

Klebsiella and was feeling very poorly. I have an appointment with my oncologist on Tuesday so that we can talk about some of the issues that are still troubling me about the radiation.

Time Out

I have not had time to blog this week. My daughter Johanna and the two boys are here visiting.

We are all heading up to the trailer for the long weekend.

I start radiation on Thursday. I have not thought about it much, I am glad because I still have some hesitations about it.

Have a terrific weekend all....... more later.

Happy Birthday Darius

4 years old today

Granny loves you

so much.

I didn't see it coming!

Yesterday I had an episode of fear... fear of the cancer recurring.

I had been having a bit of discomfort and bladder frequency and then I got a tough headache and dizziness.

I boot it to the doctors... turned out to be a UTI, but not before I was gripped with fear.

I had no idea that I would ever feel like this. I have followed the prescribed treatment plan and have not ever thought about my cancer"recurring or progressing".

I read this:

Worrying about the cancer coming back (recurring) is normal, especially during the first year after treatment. This is one of the most common fears people have after cancer treatment. And even many years after treatment, this fear may still be in the back of your mind.

It makes me feel a little better to read that this is normal.

I will have to live the next few years with this uncertainty.

I also read this:

Once we have learned to put our trust in God, we will no longer be afraid of the things that come against us. We will be like the psalmist who said with confidence “…let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you” (Psalm 5:11).

This gives me great comfort.

I will trust Him.