Joy... ya, I'm feeling it.

I am feeling so much better this week, and not only am I feeling better but when I think that I will not being having anymore chemo.... I feel joy.

I found this quote by Mark Twain.... It really describes how I feel.

“I'm glad I did it, partly because it was worth it, but mostly because I shall never have to do it again” - Mark Twain

I have not driven since the first of January. I quit driving after my surgery.

At first I did not have the strength (post surgery) and then I started chemo.

I was always sick the first week or so after the treatment and never had the confidence to get behind the wheel.

I wondered if I would ever want to drive again.

But today, I was thinking I might be ready.

I'll give myself another week and then try a couple short outings.

Lump of Clay

(I'm still under construction)

Today I made some changes to my routine and environment.

I absolutely needed this.

1. I got dressed (been living in my night-wear)

2. put on make-up and wore my wig for awhile (too hot to wear very long)

3. moved the full-length mirror from its spot across from the easy chair in our room

(sure didn't need to look at myself that often)

4. took meat out for supper (sounds easy but I have not been inspired to do even this)

5. I spent time petting the cat.

In order to create the perfect pot, the clay has to be just right, it has to be perfectly centered and has to respond properly to the potter’s sensitive hands.

Slamming the clay on the wedging board and kneading it in a specific way the potter causes the clay to go through a multitude of “trials and tribulations” thereby preparing the clay for things to come. The act of centering the purified, washed, cleaned and wedged clay on the wheel can be compared to God’s way of allowing his Children to be exposed to all kinds of trials and tribulations, thereby nudging them ever closer to Him. So it is with centering: a little nudge here, a little nudge there and before one is even aware of it the clay is centered and ready to be shaped into a vessel.

Responding to His nudge,

D

Getting out of my funk

I have been feeling physically, mentally and emotionally tired.

It has made me weepy and I have been moaning and groaning.

A real joy to be around!

I have been a complainer..... eek

Tonight I spent time with my personal trainer and life coach, you guys all know Him.

He is pretty clear that there is no room in Heaven for complainers.

In fact,

Paul says, "All things do without complaining." (Philippians 2:14)

So, with the help of my Father I will move on without the complaining.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Waiting for time to pass..........

I am so glad the chemo is done, but it has been hard to celebrate.
I am still feeling the overwhelming effects of the drugs. ( a tough go this time)
And then, I get thinking, come August the radiation begins.
I feel like this cancer has kidnapped my life.

This morning, the day after my last chemo session, I woke up to a feeling of immense relief.

I am thrilled about getting my hair back.

If you had chemotherapy, here's a typical timetable:

*two to three weeks after chemotherapy ends: soft fuzz
*one month after: real hair starts to grow at its normal rate
*two months after: an inch of hair

The hair on the top of your head grows faster than your eyebrows or eyelashes.
Your new hair may be just like your old hair, or it may be thicker and curlier, or straighter, than your original hair. And your hair might grow back a different color. Women who dyed and processed their hair might not remember what their hair was like originally (that's me) and may be surprised by the new natural color and texture.

The oncology nurse had a difficult time finding a workable vein today.

All the bigger veins have been used and are hard with scar tissue.

She had to use a smaller vein. She slapped, heated, massaged and tourniquet my lower arm to get one to pop. She poked me several times.

Finally, she hit it. Because the vein was so small she had to slow down the infusion, this made for a longer day. She also could not turn up the saline that dilutes the caustic drugs (I am super sensitive to the caustic nature of these drugs) ... so the vein is really, really angry. My whole arm is aching. But not for long...... I just popped a morphine.

I love morphine.

And yes, I totally expect to enter a room at the end of my treatments, you all sitting there with Ken Seeley, from Intervention A&E TV.

Today I am 4.

He brings me so much joy..
I love his sweet smile!

Happy Birthday Adam,

Granny loves you.

Tomorrow is my LAST chemo!

I had my appointment today with the oncologist. My CT scan report came back and there was no sign of any tissue that shouldn't be there (tumors) or swollen lymph nodes. The organs looked normal and free from disease.

I was fortunate today to see Dr. Fung Kee Fung.

http://www.medicine.uottawa.ca/obstetricsgynecology/GynOnc/eng/FungKeeFungBio.html
I spoke to Dr. Fung about my thoughts of not doing the radiation. He told me very strongly

I needed to finish the "treatment bundle".

He said this course of treatment has been used for 20 years and has proved to be the most successful.

I asked him if he thought it might be overkill.

He said, it may. But the alternative?

He said, "if your kitchen was on fire, would you run in with a glass of water and toss it on the fire or would you call the fire department?"

We talked about the possible side effects of radiation, and he said that this happens in a very small % of people who have radiation treatments.

So, I guess I will grab the fire extinguisher and call the fire department.

I start radiation in August.

6 years ago today

I became a Grandmother for the first time.

Being a grandmother is the grandest thing I have ever been blessed to do!

Happy Birthday Eric

I love you

A picture is worth a thousand words

I'm praying for direction about this radiation thing.

For me, God’s directions are seldom that clear, although when something demands a clear answer, He will give it. Mostly, God leads me with such things as vague feelings. That can be frustrating. God and I seem to have this on-going conversation. I keep telling God, "Speak louder!" I think he keeps replying, "Listen harder!"

Yesterday I went to see the Radiologist. I have my last chemo June 18th and the next step is 25 sessions of radiation therapy to my pelvis.

There is some possible side effects of the radiation that I would find difficult. These side effects are permanent. The radiation makes a very small contribution (%of cure) to my cure.

The radiation will not address any cancer that may have been taken away by the lympth nodes.

I think it might be time to let go and let God.

I am praying about this... because I think it may be time to stop the treatments, recover and start doing the things I enjoy.

Forget it! I'm not sugar coating it!

Yes, the procedure went OK this morning, I'm still here. (0.0005% of people who take the imaging enhancing dye can experience stroke or death)

But the day was not really all that wonderful. I got lost and confused finding C1 at the Civic Hospital (never been there before)... silly me knew I had to go to the first floor... my way of thinking, first floor is the ground floor. After wandering around trying to find my way for too long I ask for directions. "Oh", the lady says, "you need to take the elevator to the 1st floor this is main" Duhhhhhhh

The oral dye came in two large glasses 32oz and tasted yucky.

Then I had an IV put in for the injected dye. I have never had a CT scan before and I was nervous. I had a little anxiety moment when the dye was infused... it is a super hot flash and feels like you are peeing your pants. Nice eh?

Then when I finally had the IV removed and was heading out... I noticed my sleeve was really wet. I pulled up the sleeve to see that the site of the IV was bleeding like crazy. (my blood count bottoms out about now post-chemo, poor clotting) I returned to the department with my arm out stretched dripping blood along the hallway. I must have looked like something from the movie "The Zombies".

I now have a headache. Apparently 8% of patients report some symptoms for a couple days. Headache and rash are the most common. I am also very fatigued.

So there you have it, no sugar coating.

I am tired of procedures, tired of being poked, tired of not looking like I feel good, tired of not keeping the house as clean as I want it, tired of cancer.

Tomorrow morning I am going for a CAT scan. I am very nearly done my chemo and this is the normal procedure.

I see my radiologist on Tuesday. I am going to let him know that I am taking the month of July off!!!! No treatments until August.

I so desperately need a break.

I feel terrific. The symptoms from my last chemo were harder but did not last any longer than the usual. Once the drug sickness wears off I am good to go.

Update: All went well this morning.

Fashion Show

I'm so excited. Rhonna knit me 3 new caps. They are perfect. Very soft cotton yarns in a airy loose knit. My other caps were sooooo hot.

I call this one: Pretty in Pink

I didn't get a good photo of this one... it is really pretty. I call it: Neopolitan

pink/white/brown
This one is my favourite. It is knit with a Bamboo yarn.
Bamboo is a wonderful choice for a cap it looks luxurious and bamboo is a natural antibacterial.
It feels so silky and light.
I have some great scarves that will go with this shade.

I couldn't do it without the Lord.
There are so many ways God has blessed me.

I'm feeling better today.

I am a bit wobbly but no pain, and the chemo cloud has lifted.

I'm up and at'em.

I so love Maxine- she says things I wish I thought of first.

It feels like fireworks... sharp pings of pain. There is numbness and tingling in my feet and hands. The symptoms worsen with each additional dose of chemo.

Chemo induced neuropathy causes difficulties and changes to physical function. I have problems with my balance and required more time to take short walks. I often trip or stumble when walking. I do not feel steady and need to hold onto a handrail when I go up or down stairs. I have pain and more difficulty with fine motor task with my hands. It is difficult writing or typing on a keyboard.

The symptoms are strongest right after a chemo treatment, but tends to lessen just before the next treatment.